[this written date gimmick is probably going to piss someone off]
things are good. i went to the dentist recently for the first time in a long time following an extended-extended stay out of town. a pseudo-vacation spent partially with family, but mostly a particular person who means a tremendous amount to me and makes me aspire to be less of an asshole. a lot of discussions were had pertaining to insecurities - especially my own
let me clarify a bit from my last entry: you can consider that notion of "not caring what others think" more accurately as "not caring what strangers and acquaintances think". i am not so apathetic that i do not value the opinions of those close to me. this manifested when my closest person in the world pointed out to me that i had irrational, understandable fears of being annoying, talking too much, clinging, whatever else. this stems from most likely more than one thing, but the most potent candidate is the "old friend" i had mentioned in my very first entry here... well, at the time of writing this, it's still just a document on my phone. i'll get around to posting these. sometime
anyway, this "old friend" could really be considered a long-lasted parasite. as of being back to my senses i can confirm it'd have been more cathartic to just say nothing. i guess i was lonely - i was writing a diary after all - but i can't think of a worse person to run back to for comfort than the bogeyman
i fell asleep shortly after writing that. but it's still the 16th as i continue. anyway, i realized in those conversations that trauma comes in different shapes and sizes, none of which are required to be assault or serious injury. i've been traumatized in ways that i'd never chosen to truly acknowledge as anything more than idiosyncrasies - but those behaviors and responses being idiosyncratic are exactly what made them traumatic. things like fearing notions of clinginess even around someone who is evidently not feeling bothered in the slightest by my presence. feeling uneasy when having eyeballs behind my shoulder. feeling a nervous shake when around those who doubt my credibility and then use my own shaking as a reason to doubt it further. these are things i didn't take very seriously. i saw them as my problems to get over. who knew that just by being told they're valid i would feel more comfortable in having them? i may even be able to get through them with confidence like that
she tells me i've become less anxious in the past couple of months. not just with her, but everything in general. i believe her
[it may be worth noting that i'd never considered myself an anxious person until it was pointed out to me. it's easy to get a certain cockiness to yourself - even unwarranted]
oh right- the dentist. i just needed a cleaning. a small one at that. not bad for several years absent. no cavities (though i thought otherwise... guess i just have been grinding partly over time. i kinda doubt it was in my sleep - i probably just did it when i was especially nervous. either way, some gentle brushing and proper flossing (my current regimen already) should do me fine
sometime i'll show these entries openly. i feel i've written more unreservedly because of the undeniable anonymity provided by my phone's notes. i feel that by writing enough here, i'm invalidating any perceived need to hold back on emotional details in the future
this may be the last one written on my phone without an idea of a publish date
[and you're right! it's been a mere three days. how about that]
