[story time]
the site's been completely overhauled. finally! i'm still writing this from my phone. i'll adapt it to a web page later. might need to make some buttons for the nav. probably could do with a home button. not sure where this blog will go, but probably on the home page? we'll see.
previously i wrote these with Proper Grammar and Capitalization. i guess as an attempt to come across more "myself" and mask-off? eh, i think this tone suits me better in any context. this is me.
identity's an interesting thing. i'd still consider how i conduct myself somewhere like backloggd to be pretty true to my thoughts and behaviors, though in fairness i do amplify some aspects for the sake of having a filter. i often get told by friends that i'm not nearly the asshole they expected me to be
that's not to say a "filter" for being seen as acceptable or whatever - totally the opposite. i find that keeping a sense of abrasiveness to my demeanor is a reliable way of ensuring wishy-washy people stay out of my life.
i don't like self deprecative types, judgmental types, or really anyone who tries to hide the way they feel. i'm 26 years old as of writing this. i don't have the time or energy for other people's passive aggressions to weigh me down. the fuck's the point of pretending to like someone? it just comes down to being spineless. i had enough of those kinds in high school and i tend to operate more black-and-white than i maybe should.
here's a short story: my favorite pokemon are the whismur line. they're the only instances in which i actually felt i related on a personal level to a pocket monster.
i was pretty quiet in middle school. how quiet? put it this way: after the summer leading into 5th grade, i said hi to someone and they recognized and knew me, but they didn't realize they knew me from school.
i was still every bit as dry and sarcastic as i am today - i just didn't want to be obnoxious or an inconvenience to anyone. this carried into high school, where i gradually began to feel more and more slighted. it seemed like people weren't ever listening to me in group settings and nobody gave a shit about what i had to say half the time. i don't think i need to explain how this impacted my self esteem
it wasn't until one day in a math class of all places where i tried asking my teacher a question only to be ignored... until an old classmate heard me and asked the same thing *but louder*. instant reply.
"holy fucking shit", i finally realized. people aren't ignoring me - THEY CAN'T FUCKING HEAR ME.
so there's whismur, right? this little speaker shit who's barely brave enough to look at its own shadow? that's what i see in my past self. and loudred is the obnoxious fucking jackass i became in highschool immediately after. what'd i do? everything i could.
i started wearing inverted crosses (a piece of dimmu borgir merch, which i gleefully and irritatingly informed to anyone who asked about it). i wore more grotesque band shirts. i actively shouted as loudly as i could just to be a jackass. i drew a fucking pentagram on the ground of my campus with a pear that i got at the school's cafeteria. i drew fake cuts on my arms with red markers on halloween and said i was dressed as an emo kid. i was the most lukewarm, pseudo-misanthropic anarchist ever and it was all because i was sick of being quietly complacent with being unacknowledged.
fittingly, loudred is my least favorite of the line. exploud is where i see myself now. as someone who's turned his insecure obnoxiousness into a confidence. i always said to myself as a child that i had high self esteem and that my role model was myself. nowadays i can actually stand by that.
that's why i'm not concerned with how others perceive me. it's cliche, but not without reason: you can't please everybody. frankly, if you have to try to please someone, then you're wasting time altogether by even interacting with them.
my ass almost fell asleep writing this and it's only evening. i'm taking a power nap
